Wednesday, September 10, 2014

His first date

He handled this much better than I am. I want to call screaming to stop. I can't do this!!! I love my husband so much the thought of him touching another woman makes me sick. I want to vomit. I have cried today I have screamed I have lashed out at people who didn't deserve it. I feel like a fucked up person. I don't know if I can do this. But I feel it's only fair since he has let me the past six months. I need to let him. At least once. 

I'm sitting at a bar alone trying to drown my thoughts and I can't. They keep going back to them. What are they doing? What are they talking about? It's been almost 4 fucking hours for god sake!  I have reached out to everyone I know to try and find something some sorta comfort. I can't. This is my husband. I treasure him. I love him so much. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. He makes me feel like no one ever has. Yes he fucks up. So do I. But I want him. I only want him. I want my husband home with me. I need him in Cali. I need him with me. I need him to make me whole. I don't know what to do right now. I want to call him screaming!! Ugh I hope he ends this date soon. I can't stand this. I feel like a failure as a wife. Wtf was I thinking! Thinking this was a good idea?!? I can't do this! After this it's done. I can't. 

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